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Couple's Corner
“Divorce is when parents give up and lay down their crosses,” he told her, “and their children have to pick the crosses up and carry them.”
All Out of Tears
David’s Lies Pushed Sarah to Leave ... or Love
Sarah drove her kids home from soccer practice in a rage. Hot tears stung at her eyes and she wiped at them furiously.
In the backseat, the kids paid no attention. In recent months, they had become accustomed to seeing their mother in tears.
Sarah hadn’t always been a weepy mother. In fact, she was an exceptionally smart, strong, and capable woman. She and her husband David were both high-powered
attorneys who enjoyed fast-paced careers, big paychecks, long hours, and the heavy pressure that came with the territory in a highly competitive field.
The couple had met in the early stages of their careers and fallen in love as they sought worldly success together. After finishing law school, they married in 1997
and the talented twosome was well on their way to realizing their dreams of living what they thought was “the good life.”
Though both were Catholic, their striving for money and success defined their lives. For David and Sarah, the “good life” they enjoyed meant lucrative
careers, fancy cars, a large home, and traveling the world.
When the couple had a baby girl in 1999 and a baby boy three years later, Sarah opted to work only part time so she could be home with the children, while David worked
longer and harder hours than ever.
Financial Failure
Shortly after the birth of their second child, though, their seemingly idyllic marriage met its first challenge. Sarah discovered that David had invested a large
sum of money in a friend’s catering business, and he had failed to tell her about it.
“I was furious,” Sarah recalls. “Not so much because of the money, though it was a lot of money and that part was important to me, but because he
hid it from me. I knew married people weren’t supposed to keep secrets like that.”
David shrugged off his wife’s concerns about the money, figuring she would come around when the investment paid off and they started to make even more money.
But that never happened. As Sarah struggled with feeling betrayed and distrusting her husband, the catering business failed to take off and David, in hopes of saving
it, invested more and more money in a losing proposition.
“We were dumping money into this thing and seeing no benefit. I was so angry at him making for this poor business decision with our money without consulting
me, that I wasn’t sure I could forgive him. We just kept writing checks — it was like we were throwing our money away and I had no choice in the matter.”
Though they were financially strapped and their relationship had taken a serious blow, the couple continued to put on a brave face to their friends and families.
They even welcomed a third child, another boy, in 2005.
Building Resentment
Anger and frustration with her husband’s behavior led Sarah to make some poor decisions of her own. Decisions that exacerbated the family’s financial
struggles.
“I decided that this was David’s problem,” she says, “I wasn’t consulted about this investment, and I didn’t think I should have
to make sacrifices because of his bad decision. The very idea that I should have to shop for bargains in the grocery store because of what he did to our family was
so offensive to me. I just used credit cards and kept spending money as I always did, even if the money wasn’t there anymore.”
By 2006, when the catering business finally failed completely and there was no longer any hope for return on David’s investment, the couple was drowning in
debt, and Sarah’s feelings of resentment loomed larger than ever.
Once an affectionate couple, the two hardly touched anymore and never enjoyed intimate conversations. They spoke in order to arrange family schedules and the kids’ activities,
but they lived mostly separate lives.
When David started putting in extra hours at the large law firm where he was now working, Sarah was secretly relieved that he wasn’t around much. Because he
had never taken on full responsibility for his financial failures, she had never truly forgiven him for keeping her in the dark about the investment.
Her anger ate away at her until she came to resent her husband in dozens of small ways, taking notice of his every fault.
With David working long hours, Sarah found that life was just easier on her own. She could focus on the kids, the house, and her own work without having to pretend
to be happy with a man who made her angry and miserable. When David came home after working late, she would often pretend to be asleep just to avoid having to talk
with him and having another fight.
Flirting With Trouble
It was around this time that David began a friendship at work with a single woman named Heather. He and Heather often worked late together on important projects and
the two found that they had a lot in common.
David liked Heather from the first time they met. She was young, attractive, flirtatious, and fun. At home, David had grown accustomed to his wife’s anger,
resentment, complaints, and frequent reminders of his failures. At work, though, Heather respected and admired him — and she told him so. She listened when he
talked, valued his opinion, praised his accomplishments, and encouraged him.
David was not looking to start a sexual relationship with Heather, but he did begin looking forward to spending more and more time with her. Even after hours, the
two of them enjoyed dinner, drinks, and sporting events. Many times, David told Sarah he was hanging out with some male friends when he was really meeting Heather.
The day Sarah found a large number of text messages from Heather on David’s cell phone, she confronted her husband about it. He told her they were only friends
and she needn’t worry, but the texting had seemed so intimate and inappropriate to Sarah that she was now on high alert.
The next time David told her he was meeting “friends” for drinks, Sarah investigated and discovered that he was really meeting Heather.
Even when caught in lies, however, David refused to admit that his relationship with Heather was inappropriate. Sarah demanded that he end the relationship, but he
told her he had a right to make his own friends and would hang out with whomever he pleased.
The ‘D’ Word
The angrier and more aggressive Sarah got, the more defensive and adamant David became about his relationship with Heather. Meanwhile, the couple’s financial
problems continued and tensions rose. Then, during one particularly vicious argument, David threatened divorce. When her husband finally said the “D” word,
Sarah felt only relieved that he was the one who said it first.
The day Sarah drove home from soccer practice in tears, however, her anger was not directed at her husband, his dishonesty, his financial mistakes, or his flirtations
with other women. She was furious with her good friend and fellow soccer mom Christie, with whom she had shared that she was contemplating giving David the divorce
that he wanted.
Sarah had confided in her longtime girlfriend about her marital troubles because she was seeking support. More than anything, she had wanted her trusted friend to
say what all her other friends had been telling her for months about her dishonest, untrustworthy husband who had driven the family into financial ruin with unwise
investments: “You deserve better than this. You deserve to be happy. Just leave him.”
But Christie was a different kind of friend. Christie had the nerve to remind Sarah of her wedding vows and insist that her marriage was worth saving. Christie had
even dared to suggest to Sarah that she should try being nice to David!
After arriving home from soccer, Sarah pushed the infuriating conversation from her mind as she focused on getting the kids’ dinner, giving them baths, and
reading bedtime stories.
David was working late again, so once she got the kids into bed, she found herself alone. She did the dinner dishes and checked her email.
In her inbox was a message from Christie.
“Tomorrow, send a text message to David,” it read in part. “Search your heart and ask God to help you say something really loving to him. Praise
him for something — his generosity, his care and concern for others. Try to make a habit of saying uplifting things to him. Remember, God’s love shines
through pain and suffering. God loves when love isn’t deserved. God wants you to love this way, as well. The more you practice pouring out kindness when kindness
isn’t deserved, the more he will help you and bless you.”
Sarah put her head down on the computer desk and sobbed. She knew in her heart that Christie’s words were true, but she did not want to admit it.
The Hard Truth
Sarah made an appointment to talk to her parish priest the next day. Secretly, she was hoping he would say that her marriage was hopeless, that David had robbed her
of all earthly joy and driven her to depression, and that she deserved the freedom and happiness that a divorce would surely bring.
He didn’t tell her any of that, though. And Sarah will never forget the startling words that he did say:
“Divorce is when parents give up and lay down their crosses,” he told her, “and their children have to pick the crosses up and carry them.”
Sarah was running out of tears. And excuses. She had been thinking only of her own suffering, she realized, and had been ready to sacrifice her children’s happiness
for the sake of her own. For the first time in many months, she felt an urge to make the commitment to save her marriage, whatever the costs. But she knew she couldn’t
do it alone.
With her pastor’s help, she made arrangements for a Retrouvaille retreat where Catholic couples on the brink of divorce seek help in saving their marriages.
Healing and Hope
David agreed to attend the Retrouvaille weekend as a last-ditch effort.
“In the end, it was a very healing weekend,” Sarah recalls. “We really talked to one another and made real progress toward understanding each other
and healing.”
After Retrouvaille, there was no more talk of the “D” word. David agreed to end his relationship with Heather and request a move to a different department
so that the two of them would no longer work together.
Sarah had her own issues of anger, resentment, and forgiveness to deal with, and she relied heavily on her faith and on prayer to get her through.
“I would spend hours and hours just praying and praying for healing,” Sarah says.
Those prayers were answered. Though the couple had some setbacks along the way, through communication and prayer, they did eventually find healing.
Along the way toward that healing, David’s faith flowered again. In early 2008, he sought spiritual direction for the first time in 11 years of marriage. He
began reading the Bible and saying the Rosary. He ended all friendships with female co-workers and started seeing a therapist.
Sarah, who has made great progress toward letting go of long-held resentments and forgiving her husband, has been overjoyed by his spiritual renewal and commitment
to their marriage.
She feels particularly grateful to her friend Christie and her parish priest who stood up for the unpopular truth when all the rest of the world was telling her to
give up on her “hopeless” marriage.
“I’m just so grateful I didn’t listen to the secular world,” Sarah says. “If I had, David would be living in an apartment now and we’d
be juggling weekends with the kids, forcing them to shuttle back and forth. Instead, we’re playing Monopoly as a family and going out for ice cream.”
“I feel like I’ve been through a war and lived,” she adds. “I pray a lot, and God has helped me forgive so my heart has been softened. I feel
our marriage is stronger than ever and we have made a commitment. I think now we can get through anything.”
By Danielle Bean
FAITH & FAMILY - JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2009
Senior editor Danielle Bean blogs at FaithAndFamilyLIVE.com
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